Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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