i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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