Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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