AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
