Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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