Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I supernannyed him into submission
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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