I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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