i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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