I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
