a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
