there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
