I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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