Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
