my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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