I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
