New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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