fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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