I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Randomize
