dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
