I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
