just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
