Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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