i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
