i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
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