My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
