you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
