Can i not drive my cunt home
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
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