we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
