Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Randomize
