the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
