i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
false alarm. still invincible.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
