Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Randomize