god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Randomize
