If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
