Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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