U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Randomize
