I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
