I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
