I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
