You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
