I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
