I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
