fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
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