Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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