Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Randomize
