I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
im on a boat
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