Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I met the friendliest cop last night
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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