your parents love me but you hate me
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
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