My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
