Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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