I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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