2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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