I can tuck mytits in my pants
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
