I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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