My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Randomize
