she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
