smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
