Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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