loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
