I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Randomize
