My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
