come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
