Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
